Hello there. I’ve been meaning to post for over a week, reviewing a novel I recently read, but as you can tell, that hasn’t happened.
Today I feel like I need to get some things out of my system. I didn’t know if I really wanted to share this with the world (I still don’t, honestly), but I know there are others out there who feel exactly like I do at this very moment.
I am overwhelmed. And it’s not the busyness that is overwhelming; I love being busy. It’s what I’m busy doing that is draining me completely. Some days, like today, I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t find the joy in things I love some days, and that includes writing and playing the piano. Most weekdays, I dread getting out of bed because as a type A personality I hate feeling like I’m wasting time and that is exactly what a lot of my activities feel like: wasted time.
I’ve mentioned my distaste for school before. It’s only grown. Because no matter what people say to me, I feel like the hours I spend on it are wasted. I could be doing so many other things, better things that will be of more use to me in the future. I won’t use geometry (and someone, please wipe it off the face of the earth), I won’t go into any STEM fields so I really don’t need chemistry, and I’ve already established my political views so government (or at least so much of it) isn’t necessary. It’s school that overwhelms me.
It’s not that I hate it. In fact, the only subject I truly detest is math. It’s just that, on top of the things I do that make me feel like I’ve accomplished something worthwhile, I have to spend the majority of my day on school. So in that sense, I do hate it.
It’s just frustrating, really, to have a million things you feel like you should be doing, but you can’t because you’re forced to do other things. And there’s a couple verses in Ephesians (5:15-16) that talk about making the best use of the time. And, at least for me, school is not the best use of the time.
There’s also chores, piano, books to write, my job, and other things. I don’t mind chores; I’d take them over school because at least it feels like I’m doing something worth my time. And my job is amazing; the girls I babysit are awesome and I love them so much.
The play I was recently in had testimonies from Hell. It was a Christian production, and I can’t put into words how powerful it was, especially as a cast member. But one of these “Hell testimonies” is from a woman who was so busy she didn’t have time for Jesus. Oh, it’s relatable. Since hearing the testimony, I’ve started trying to make God a part of everything I do, no matter how busy. I do my best to pray throughout the day and to read Scripture each morning. But the way this testimony is delivered, as the woman lists everything she had to do in a way that sounds like she is drowning… I know what that feels like. Some days I do feel like I’m drowning. But unlike the woman in the play, I have Jesus.
So I guess the whole reason I’m writing this is to get things off my chest, and to be thankful that I’ve got God, because He is amazing and He whispers “you can do this” when I need it.
This is also why I haven’t posted this past week. I’ve felt more overwhelmed than usual, and just haven’t been able to get on here and blog.
Thank you for reading this. And it would mean the world to me if you’d say a little prayer for me sometime. 🙂 And know that I’ll pray for you, too.